I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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