I'm really into asian looking animals
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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