You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
