I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is Oprah even human
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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