Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
