I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
