i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He felt like a one man threesome
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Randomize
