Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize