I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
