I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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