Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You ruined the universe
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
