Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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