I cannot find my penis.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i think my cat just said my name.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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