just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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