Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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