i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I supernannyed him into submission
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
