It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
