i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i now understand why vodka
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
