pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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