Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
