I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
