Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
