They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
