The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
