i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
as a side note pls kill me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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