don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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