Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize