She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
