we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
