i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
