you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
