This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
