the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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