last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
