My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
