remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've blown a few things in my day
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
