I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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