it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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