It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
