i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
