I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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