that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
