I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
