I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think my fart just growled at me.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
