If that was your dad, he is hot
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
