Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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