people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
