I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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