Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
