Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
