You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
