every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
