You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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