Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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