hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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