I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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