when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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