Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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