Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
