is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
