In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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