just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
