I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
