I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
